     Having been irresistibly influenced by an intellectually inclined spirit, I happened by the Cocoa Beach Public Library the other day to find a book about paramagnetic amplifiers. To tell the truth, I just wanted to find ot what a paramagnetic amplifier really is. Anyway, I recognized my esteemed associate, Sparky Corona, sifting through a stack of impressive looking books. This was the very first time I had run across my favorite drinking buddy at any place other than our favorite watering hole. I was flabbergasted.
     Be that as it may, Sparky was so intent on his scholarly pursuit that he failed to acknowledge my presence until I nudged him and exclaimed, "Hey, ole buddy, whatcha doin' in this dull dump?"
     Obviously impatient, Sparky mumbled, "If you must know, I am researching a true science. You probably never heard of it, but they call it Graphology."
     I was truly astounded. This guy must be working on the art of drawing graphs for some business. "You mean you are going to learn all about those drawings that show trends in business, where the taxpayer's money goes, and all that sort of thing?"
     "Boy, you are not all that bright, Dick," he retorted, "graphology has nothing to do with drawing those boxes with lines or bars or those pies with the pieces cut in different sizes. It has to do with analyzing handwriting!" Sparky continued, speaking rapidly as though he wanted to clue me in quickly and get on with his consequential study, "After I find out all about this graphology business, I intend to study the handwriting of Hams who have proven themselves experts at working DX. My expert analysis should reveal to me something about their secret to success. I am not too old to change my approach, you know!"
     "You amaze me, Sparky. Do you mean to tell me that a study of graphology can help you get a DXCC?"
     "Not only that, I bet I will be able to compete with those guys who have worked all countries except Upper Flushovia!"
     "I have never heard of Upper Flushovia, or whatever, but anyway, just how do you figure you are about to bust the bank at the ARRL?"
     "It just so happens that I have copies of the logs of several outstanding DX'ers. It will not be difficult for me to figure out their character traits and then merely copy them. For example, here is one. See those squiggly lines at the top of the fives and bottom of the nines?"
     "Yeah, I do. By the way, have you noticed how these award winners give each and every DX station a 5 and 9?"
     "Oh yes, of course. Why would our heroes want to disenchant those rare stations by telling them they were 3 and 4? You're not goofy enough to think they would QSL after hearing such a stinkin' report, do you? Don't bother answering that one as I haven't much time; the library closes at 9.... To get back to my character analysis: those squiggly lines clearly show that DXers are both stubborn and patient. Yes, and they are immune to powerful electro-magnetic radiation in the Ham Shack."
     "How do you know they are immune? You're not a doctor."
     "Well, I happen to know that, if you or I were to subject ourselves to as much radiation as these champion DXers experience, we would be pushing up pussy-willows by now, not merely making squiggly lines on our logs."
     "Pardon me for asking, Sparky, but have you anything else to add before I check up on those paramagnetic amplifiers?
     "Now that you have mentioned amplifiers, do you know where a guy could pick up a jumbo linear on the cheap?"
"I'm sorry to say that the only linears I know about are not capable of exceeding the legal limit."
     "Well, I'm practicing patience, so I'll keep looking without getting too excited about it. I'm already stubborn and, with practice, I think I can be patient, even though patience may not be needed if I can actually stomp on people in a pile-up."
     I left Sparky with his illusions of grandeur. Honestly, I don't expect him to be listed on the DX Honor Roll soon. You see, he will probably never learn to be patient and the AC power in his Ham shack is fused for a mere 20 amps max.
     A note of clarification for those readers who have advised me that Sparky actually seems to show streaks of genius on rare occasions. Since he is not one to brag excessively, I feel it my duty to let you all know that he holds a BS degree from the Sam Houston Institute of Technology, good ole S H _ _. I genuinely hope that this revelation will result in a cessation of accusations by certain envious individuals to the effect that Sparky couldn't upgrade to Novice, even if he cheated. In any event, unless more of you break loose with more cute stories, Sparky will probably be with us for some time to come (now, THAT is a threat!).

(The foregoing article by Dixpix appeared in the December, 1990 edition of Spurious Emissions, the IRARC newsletter.)

If our readers have not seen the article describing a pocket-size 2 meter antenna, I recommend you click on the "Back" button below.