Lament of a Pet Ham Owner

WE have some tips to offer those of you who have assumed the awesome responsibility of caring for a Pet Ham. These cautions and bits of guidance have to do with one of these critters' unmatched idiosyncrasies. No other pet, not even our pussy cats, can come close to the oddities described here.
One must be very careful when permitting Hams unrestrained freedom outside the house. They will invariably find a tree, clothes pole, utility pole, or even a flag pole to climb. Once they reach maximum attainable height, they will string all manner and form of elongated junk high in the air. If they are unable to find a suitable existing lofty support, your Ham will surely insist upon erecting his own unsightly pole!
Sometimes, when you are not aware, they will actually drill or pound holes in the house in an effort to keep these outlandish eyesores from falling down on the garden! Still more holes will be driven in the walls of your sacred home just to accomodate ugly, usually black, thick wires running from their towers to toys in the "Ham's Shack".
Like our feline friends, pet Hams have been known to climb trees or poles and then be indisposed to come down. It is embarrassing enough to call the fire department to retrieve a cat, but a pet Ham, a creature that actually resembles a rational human being? That is the height of something or other!
You will not be able to completely discipline your pet Ham and keep him in the house all the time but you are urged to discourage his outdoor activities as much as possible. When he does succeed in stringing a vast array of worthless trash in the air, you are warned not to disturb it. Your pet's reaction to removal, displacement, destruction, or even minor rearrangement of his airborne gadgetry is usually violent. If our readers are now satisfied with the physical layout of their facial features, I urgently suggest that they refrain from messing with their pet's airborne contraptions.
I Can only suggest that you try to live with the conglomeration of high flying debris. If you are lucky, your neighbors will do likewise. Hopefully, you will not find yourself in court defending your pet's antics.
I trust that all potential caretakers out there have paid heed to this dissertation. If you have, life should be just a bit more livable for you and your faithful, lovable, but stubborn and single-minded pet.
Good luck, you will probably need it!

(The foregoing article by Dick McKlveen, W4YWA, appeared in the August, 1990 edition of Spurious Emissions, the IRARC newsletter.)

If our readers have not seen the piece describing the "Lindberg Influence", which is apparent in Ham conversations, I recommend a click on the "Back" button below. The "Ahead" button will take you to an amusing piece about "Dark Suckers"...