Misnomer applied to our light bulbs...
     For years it has been assumed that electric bulbs emit light. However, recent information from a major laboratory has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs do not emit light, they suck dark. Thusly, they now tag these bulbs "Dark Suckers". The Dark Sucker theory, according to a laboratory spokesman, proves the existence of dark; that dark has a mass heavier than light; and that dark is faster than light.
Reverse Osmosis...
     The basis for the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take, for example, the dark sucker in the room where you are situated. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere in the room. The larger the dark sucker, the greater the capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than those in this room.
Dark Suckers are Mortal...
     As with all things, dark suckers do not last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a "dead" dark sucker. A camdle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black. This represents all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of dark flowing into the candle.
Batteries help store the dark...
     Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these cannot handle all of the dark by themselves and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit (battery) is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass...
     When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. It is not really wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat, thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. As one swims deeper and deeper, he will notice that it gets darker and darker. When he reaches a depth of approximately 50 feet, total darkness is encountered. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the more bouyant light floats to the top.
Untapped Energy Source...
     The immense power of dark can be used to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that settles to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines which generate electricity. Afterward, the dark can be shifted to the ocean via our streams and rivers. There it can be stored for future use.
Dark is rapid - sneaky too...
     Finally, we can prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in front of a closed closet in a room from which the dark has been sucked, you would see the light enter the closet, but, since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. In conclusion...
     Remember that dark suckers are a boon to mankind. Life is much more liveable with them around!
(The foregoing article by Anon appeared in the February, 1992 edition of Spurious Emissions, the IRARC newsletter.)

     Not to be outdone by Anon, the Mad Scientist, who maintains his headquarters in Cocoa Beach, has responded in kind. To be fair, we have decided to include his remarks here. Your Webmaster must state here and now that he refuses to be held responsible for ANY content regarding darkness, light, or anything in between. The Mad Scientist's reply to Anon appears below; his remarks were made a matter of record in the March, '92 edition of Spurious Emissions.

Dear fellow scientists, engineers, Hams, etc.,
     I do not make it a habit of being disagreeable, however, I must respond to that ridiculous article about "Dark Suckers" which appeared in last month's bulletin.
     Specifically, I want to go on record as stating that, without any doubt whatsoever, light is FASTER than dark; not to the contrary, as stated by that so-called expert from the laboratory way up north in New Jersey.
     Let me explain. We are all aware that there is always a lot of dark, and nothing but dark, inside a camera when the back and the shutter are both closed. Well, when the shutter is opened for a mere fraction of a second, sufficient light enters to cause the film to produce a nice, clear picture. Now, has anyone ever seen dark escaping the camera when the shutter is open? Of course not! Obviously, light is considerably faster than dark. Also, when one enters a photographic dark room he finds that, as long as the door is open, there is some light about the premises. The instant the door is closed, it is completely dark, Now where did the light go? One can only conclude that the light was fast enough to vacate the room as the door closed and the dark, being much slower, was forced to remain at least until such time as a dark sucker became operational in the immediate vicinity.
     I am now investigating the relative mass of dark and light. I will report on the results of my experiments as soon as they are complete. In the meantime, I suggest that you pay no attention whatsoever to Mr Anon of New Jersey.

If our readers have not seen the humorous article with regard to caring for a Pet Ham, I recommend you click on the "Back" button below. The "Ahead" button will take you to a detailed analysis of the word "sucker" as provided by a PHD-MD-Club Member.